Me & Orual

Have you read “Till We Have Faces” by C.S. Lewis? When I read it for the first time, I was deeply troubled that I saw so much of myself in Orual, and so little of myself in Psyche. In many ways, Orual and I are unbelievers. The idea of a loving God is wishful, and therefore foolish. Life has taught us to expect selfish people, though perhaps a few kind & wise friends. In our minds, knowledge and wisdom are the only right way to live. If there are gods, they obviously care nothing for me.

These aren’t my professed beliefs, mind you, they are more elusive than that. But when I read the way Orual thought, her protection of her pretty little sister… She was trying to earn something all that time. Earn the right to control her maybe? To be the wise one because she couldn’t be the pretty one? To be powerful because no one was going to choose her?

These were my hearts beliefs. Still, I notice them here and there. “These prancing little girls are so simple-minded. Of course, I will never be ‘loved by all,’ as they are for their charms (I don’t entirely dislike them, they are beautiful as well as sweet), but they are very foolish in their thinking. I am the wiser one… they will need me to save them.” Simply put, I find that the “dumb blonde” stereotype is thriving around me (particularly in the Bible Belt Church), though some are truly sweet while others are rather evil. I find them all quite silly. My response (mostly due to the fact that I will never fit in with their I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-liposuction bodies, interests in shopping, perfecting homemaking, or luncheons) is to turn up the wisdom and remind everyone that “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.” I quietly leave out the part where “a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” because those will be found in every genre & group of women, but I am not fearing the Lord in this moment of judging his people, so best left unmentioned, if I’m going to be turning my nose up at these silly ladies.

Orual is where I come from… where my first impression of a person who shows interest in me is that they have ulterior motives. They want my sister, not me (how can I blame them, I love her too). Oh, the someday poor man who will actually love me the way I am! If he exists—the man I am supposed to love—I won’t believe him. He’ll be telling me the truth and I’ll be cold and unbelieving. I can’t wish that response on anyone. I can’t wish myself on any poor man. Not like this.

In my journey to be less like Orual, I have found that my first step is to realize that the “poor man who loves me” is God, first and most importantly. He is trying to approach me, but I don’t believe Him. I think I am so wise and can see through Him… I think He’s after “my sister,” (anyone, anthing but me) but—this is imperative—He wants me. Not a version of me that will never exist, just me the way I am, though he requires only this: my believing, my trusting, that He loves me, and my loving Him in response.

I hope someday I trust Him consistently. I know there are great things people can do, and great lives they can live when they simply believe Him. But the things I can do for Him are so easy for me to jump into, and then somewhere along the way I find that in my heart, I don’t even trust that He’s after me instead of my work.

He’s so patient, though. He’s giving us another opportunity. If you don’t believe Him, do you at least want to? That is a start. Take that to Him because He will be happy just to see you.

If you don’t want to… do you want to want to? He’ll meet you where you’re at.

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Galatians 2:19 - “What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn’t work. So I quit being a “law man” so that I could be God’s man. Christ’s life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not “mine,” but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.”